That


I dreamt about her all night. It was about that day. I was all so giddy and nervous. In my dream I was asking for advice from a mentor. I have been making preparations. This is it...

Sleep-Walk


Wide awake.

Mind commands body to sleep. Body won't submit. Stubborn.

Juggling the white, red and blue ball. Perfect balance. Perfect throw. Looks like a good show. I think it is but the balls disagree.

I didn't mean to cause your catastrophe. The looming cloud. The pouring rain... the pouring rain. I promise to hush the thunder. I promise you now.

Déjà vu


Weird things happen... It's almost a deja vu. Same story and same characters, but now roles have switched. A story with no victors. A story with a predictable climax and an uncertain conclusion.

That disease. That which "tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart."

It's so the same but so entirely different.

Unexpected.

This will end soon. Soon...

Random


I can smell Cagayan de Oro. It has been four months since my last Mindanao trip.

I have been spending late nights in the office. I despise it before but now I'm enjoying it.

Last Saturday evening was a surprise. My once newly-found-friend asked me out for dinner. In the new Italian restaurant. In the expensive new Italian restaurant. Bill was P 780.00 but it wasn't about the price. Not even the food. It wasn't as enjoyable. It was the conversation.

Later that night I had coffee with another friend.

And after that, another friend joined me in the office. I was asleep the whole time we were waiting for the thesis students to finish their data gathering. I only had three hours of sleep the day before and this is my sweet revenge.

Then came Monday.

And now it's Wednesday...

The week after next is gonna be a new month. Almost the end of the first quarter of '09.

Tomorrow is going to be tomorrow again...

It came and went


Valentine's day came and went and I'm happy I didn't post anything mushy on that day. One thing I was lonely about is I didn't get to sell roses. I could've earned something to buy me a new shirt. Hehehe. Ü

Chat


Her:
so ____, imagine, we can't screw this frendship up, you better not get carried away with the chismis about me and you..ahahahahaha

Him:
well ___, we don't screw our friends up

Her:
ahahahahahahaha

Him:
that's what i can assure you
:-):-)

Her:
ang panget pakinggan!! ahahahahaha

Him:
hahahaha
oo nga
hahahaha

Anonymous


Somebody has found this blog! Somebody I know.

I was a bit shocked when I opened my gmail inbox and saw email notices about some comments for manuscribbles. Four all in all by Anonymous. This is a personal blog and most of the posts are candid and I only make this known to chosen people though it's free-access. So I already anticipated that some people would find it and they could be some people I know.

Anyways, I think I know who Anonymous is. My clue? Chill.

Strange Strangers


I have a newly-found friend from a strange circumstance. I remember the line from the movie I just watched, "You never know what's comin' for 'ya." Indeed.

More and more, "kuya" is becoming a sweet music to my ears.

It's always good to make friends...

The Donald Duck Pout

Plans

The most difficult part in my MS application is writing my plans after completion of the degree. Can I just say that I wanna get married after I graduate? Oh plans! Many are the plans of man but ultimately, it's God's plan that prevails.

Here's what I wrote though:

The present environmental condition of the Philippines and the world at large is becoming worse by the minute. As a citizen of the planet, after I have completed MS Environmental Science and Management, I plan to focus on research and extension work. I hope to spearhead projects that would initiate efficient use of environmental resources in far flung areas of the country. I believe that this country is so rich in natural resources but either they are yet to be harnessed or they are being misused. Having raised in a poor province (Masbate), I have witnessed firsthand how environmental resources are used inefficiently. It's sad to note that there are provinces like Masbate that are rich in natural reserves yet remain poor. I believe that people needs to be educated and researchers should be bringing their output to these people.

Given the opportunity, I also would like to collaborate with international organizations and institutions in various environmental projects in the future. I am also open to holding a teaching position in an academic institution like UPLB.

Sound like a high school essay, eh?

Exercise


Witnessing (sharing the Gospel) is indeed an exercise to the Spirit. It rejuvenates the soul. It gives a believer a brand new strength. It makes one feel alive.

I went out with Eduard today to share the Gospel. He has been so eager to do it but haven't done it ever. He said he took courage last Sunday to go out on his own but for some reasons, he wasn't able to do it again. I can relate to the kid so I try to help him by showing him how, especially in approaching strangers. We approached a freshman this afternoon named Anton. After making a few introduction about the Gospel, I realized that he seemed to be familiar with it already and he told me he has already received Christ. I got his number instead and invited him to the fellowship. I hope he could come tomorrow.

On my way home, I met Glai who is also on her way to share the Gospel. Since I'm free for the rest of the afternoon, I went with her and shared to three ladies. One is resistant but I the other two were listening intently. I just hope they really received Christ because they prayed with Glai after I presented the Gospel to them.

It feels good to obey and to conquer yourself -- your laziness and pride. We'll go out again tomorrow. Me and Eduard.

Master


I have decided. Yesterday I went to Graduate School to get an application form for master's degree. It's the last day of submission of applications but they extended it till next week. The requirements are easy to comply than what I thought and I just need two recommendations. I'm going to take MS Environmental Science.

A week earlier, my undergrad thesis adviser told me to consider getting a scholarship from DOST and he mentioned it again yesterday with my boss listening. My boss was somewhat approving though it would mean I'll resign from my job because the scholarship is for full-time students. The scholarship package -- the stipend, book allowance, travel allowance -- is comparable to an entry level job for a fresh grad. Not bad.

I have been wanting a change in my current career situation and this decision will hopefully stir things up for me. This would also mean I'll be staying in the Philippines for another four years.

I'm happy I made an important decision before January ended. Tomorrow's February 1. What I'm looking forward right now is a break from my 8:00 AM - 5:00 PM routine.

'09

The 19-day break is almost over and when I woke up yesterday it's 2009. Now I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I'm 26 and this year I'm going to be 27 and it scares the hell out of me! Technically, I'm jobless right now because my job contract ended last December 31. I still have to report to work though, with no pay, until the research study where I am involved gets adequate funding. Who knows when will it be?!

It's hard when you are single, you are professional, and you are penniless. There's a lot that I wanna do but I hold back because I I'm afraid to make wrong decisions and I am so limited. I'm caught between the reality of today and the uncertainty of tomorrow. Why does it have to be this hard?

I want a clean slate! I ought to have a new job. A stable one. A job where I will be properly compensated -- at the right time and with corresponding benefits. One that will allow me to grow professionally and will bring out my full potential. I want a job where I can see myself doing for another 10 years. I'm tired of "stepping-stones."

This is going to be my first major decision this 2009 and I should be able to put things together by the end of January. Time to get a good focus and be decisive.

What-Should-Not

The Lord is gracious. Downtrodden I was yesterday. This morning, I woke up at 3:00AM to prepare for my message for the youth fellowship tonight. God's comforting arms embraced me me in a loving way unimaginable. I was refreshed.

Yesterday, I was accused of not loving enough. I was harshly called an example of what-should-not... from the very person whom I used to lead. It brought so much pain and left me disdained for hours. I was angry and hurt. I just can't accept it. Such an ungrateful remarks. It just let out the reason for the cold treatment I was getting lately. I might have hurt him before but I thought we have already exchanged forgiveness.

While I was preparing my message about the Second Commandment, God's word pierced me like a double edged sword and left me pondering on three questions. Did I made God for less than who He is? DO I give God the worship that is due Him? Is there anything in my life that tarnishes my intimacy with Him? With these questions are realizations on how I'm living my life lately and my relationship with people.

Then we had our Tuesday devotional time with Kuya Boni. The main point that the Lord has impressed to me is about living in harmony with one another. A harmonious relationship that is based on God's word and not on some cultural traditions like delicadeza. To be humble to one another and accept rebukes. Very timely and fitting.

Today, I resolved to let go of hurts and grudges. I repented of my shortcomings. This is following Christ. Learning day by day. Not always a smooth sail but God always calms the storm. I'm off to another phase of THE journey.

"Kind but not nice"

Probably one of the most fitting descriptions ever given to me. Jhoanna told me that once but I can no longer the particular instance. She knew that I meant well. She only hoped I said it in a more tender way.

I have no apologies being that. Like I always say, "I don't smother". I say what I need to say. Reacts when I need to. And most of the time, my facial expressions betray me. I am that transparent. My love is tough.

In several instances, people around tell me that that I'm harsh, particularly with words. I don't deny that, though this is particularly true only for people whom I have already established a relationship with. I won't scold strangers, for Pete's sake! Most of the people whom I had an "encounter" appreciated it in the end. Until lately when a person who needs to be corrected got some hard-hitting words from me. For one, I cannot tolerate lies and disobedience. Besides, I have been very diplomatic and tolerant before that. If it's too much, something has to be done.

People close to me know that I could easily burst but they are also aware that I forgive faster that I get angry. I got angry because they were hard-headed and they won't listen. They "remained stiff-necked after many rebukes"!

Correction hurts at the particular instance it's given but if taken positively it builds good character. Most of the things that happen in our lives are outcome of our reactions. Situation doesn't make or break a person, it reveals who he is. Goodness is telling a person that he is wrong because he indeed is.

Sad Clown

These days are a whirlwind. Circus' in town. The clown doesn't have a choice. He's in. Faking smiles. Starting laughter. But inside of him, some venom's creeping again. Antidote is at hand but refuses to take it. How soon will the show ends? Will it ever end?

The clown's juggling the balls. He wants to stop but he's at it for a while.

Say how's the weather, so I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain
That keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you

(Sad Clown by Jars of Clay)

Vampire

The clock says 1:57 AM. I'm still wide awake. Seems like everyone doesn't want to be my friend, yes, even sleep. Half of the pack of almond kisses I bought is through. I finished the odd movie Sweeney Todd (By golly, I didn't expect it to be like that. But I liked the movie. It's eccentric but in a good way.). I'm chatting with my blocmate from college who is working in graveyard for 5 hours now. No Air, the guy version (Boyce Avenue), is playing continuously on the background. I kinda feel like that... like I can't breath. I'm overwhelmed with a lot of stuff and I want a ceasefire.

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground, to flow to you
There's no gravity to hold me down, for real
...No air...

Broke and Not Happy

I came home this afternoon from work all too tired. I wasn't busy in the office. I know it's a different kind of tiredness...

I'm 26 and I'm broke. So broke. Right now, I only have 40 pesos in my wallet and some coins in my pocket. I have been working for more than a month without pay and without a job contract. I know this is not a rare case, especially if you are working in a government office and in a project-based job. But at this point in my life, I don't know if this should be happening to me. I am living on my own now. Self-sufficient. I have a sister who is doing her thesis, which costs more than my parents can afford. I have to share in her tuition fee. My mother is telling me to go back to the province. She said I'll surely get a job there. I don't know how to explain things to her. I just need a stable job. My boss told me that my appointment is being processed but it will be for three months only. By January, I'll be technically jobless. But I'll continue with the project. I just have to wait for the funding.

It breaks my heart to think that my aging parents still have to worry about financing my sister's schooling. It should be my turn this time. I can't even afford to visit them because primarily of financial constraint. I don't even have savings and my BPI account has just been cut-off because I have exhausted my funds.

This situation just depresses me... to the point of sulking in self-pity. Things are crazy lately. Issues in the training apartment, payables, problems with BS contacts, unresolved conflicts, spiritual dryness... I just don't know which one to deal first. I feel so low right now. I wanna burst. I wanna scream. If only it will ease the burden. But those things just don't work for me.

I'm in utter mess.

Wedding

This is the third time that I'm an emcee for a wedding. This is one thing that I love doing. I like celebrations and the sheer joy of being with people you hold dear and stirring up things for them.

The wedding was a blessing and as a friend puts it, one of the best weddings he has attended. Same goes for me. Why was it one of the bests? Let me count the ways...

• The couple were both good friends and former housemates of mine and their happiness were infectious.
• I got to see my Ate Ritchi again after four years. She was right when she said that it was just like yesterday. She fell asleep and she woke up with 3 lovely kids and a husband with a big, and I mean BIG heart. She was the same Ate Ritchi I met her in the cell group 9 years ago.
• Meg and Claire were stunning!
• I got to spend time with my Josh my "inaanak, Ate Ritchi's son. He's a no nonsense kid. Talks like a grown up. Also the twins, they are adorable.

• It was a pool wedding. It rained only before and after, but not during the wedding ceremony. A rainbow appeared as if the sky joins the couple in their celebration. It literally put a color in the celebration.
• The dance/surprise number was a great way to end the program. It was a crowd stealer and the guests were screaming. "Sige, ikembot..."
• Someone tripped off the pool during the ceremony but it was handled well. I didn't imagine that it can happen, though.
• I slept in the same room with the newlyweds. Haha!! We were all tired and I shared the big bed with Ate Ruby. She's on one end and I was on the other end.
  

Left me thinking... how about when I get married?

Just before my lunchbreak...



"i wasn't playing hard to get and my goal is not to grieve a brother's soul and make him worse than he already is. i'm sure you agree that we need to grow individually because clearly we have issues to sort out among ourselves."