Soliloquy

I’m like a spinning top. each revolution per second is a meaningless spin. All my energy is spent and I have to keep up with the motions because I have no choice but to. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where i’m going. I wanna stop but I can’t… I don’t know how to… neither do I know when to.

You can’t choose your happiness. How do you shift to apples when you like oranges for as long as you can remember? You fool yourself enjoying the crunchy sweet pulp of a dozen of apples when your taste buds crave for just the succulent tangy taste of an orange.  Just one.  There are no substitutes. No, happiness is not a choice. You do know what makes you happy and you pursue it (desperately in most cases) because that’s all you want! May it be the all fleeting and shallow or the deeper higher kind, everyone chase his own happiness.

Common sense tells me to get this over with and move on. Man, if it’s easy to do I’m the first to jump in! But how do i get over? How do I move on? My heart beats for just one reason — for just one person. For her who left me broken and crushed… but my shattered pieces are stubborn and they refuse to falter. In coherent hurting voice they cry for just one name. Just one name…

There are moments I wish that reality isn’t real and this is just a bad dream. I could trade sleeping a million bad dreams just to wake up on the reality I am dreaming… oh if only I can stop dreaming…


4 April 2011