The Red Light


Man's spirit is set on default to hope. Despite all the crazy misfortunes, you try to keep afloat and hope that it's going to be better. Hope... Hope could be very stubborn as it pushes you to keep on. To breathe each gasping breath. To take each limping stride. To grapple in pitch darkness.

But what happens when that final flicker of hope finally dies? When the slap-in-your-face-that-it's-over finally sinks in and the kind of devastation you felt in knowing it the first time is nothing compared to the harrowing agony of your helpless spirit in accepting the reality of it?

How do you makes sense out of all these? How could you even pick up your broken self when all that's in you is the physical energy to live but your spirit is dying? When even desperation decided to give up?

What do you do when the things you know and the things you were told and the things you learned doesn't help to understand why? What do you do when the will left in you is the will to give up?

How can you not stop?

Once upon a Promdi

I have a little secret. It was only in my second year in college (I was 18 at that time) when I first learned to surf the internet. I entered college with zero knowledge on computer. I mean ZERO knowledge. Yeah, I'm Tarzan who is now enjoying the city.

I grew up in one of the poorest (they actually say it's THE poorest) provinces of the Philippines. My eyes grew in wonder like an awed caveman when I first saw the bright light of an electric bulb when I was 7 years old. I watched my first television show when I was nine. Life was so simple back then. We are way behind the latest technology but we are blessed with fresh clean air, stones-throw beaches, fresh seafood, and there's a gold mine in our little town

I passed the entrance exam of one of the universities (the BEST they say) in the country so I got to see a more civilized world. Then I have to confront myself of the reality that computer is going to be an important part of my college life. You could imagine the frustration! I didn't even know how and where to turn it on and off. I used to spend hours and hours of typing just a page of an essay because I didn't know about choosing and adjusting font, doing the margins... you know, those stuff a grade-schooler can chew like a bubble gum. In many instances, I lost my files and start all over again because I didn't know that you actually save them. Yeah, you can call me Tarzan now. Thanks to my kind friends from the small fellowship I was attending who taught me how to use Microsoft Office.

Then the internet. I used to just watch my friends do stuff with the computer. Internet is quite a popular word but I was a complete dumb. Then one frustrating night and nothing to talk to, I mustered my strength, gathered all my courage and went to a computer cafe near the university. Internet here I come... It was just the "e" I thought. That's what my friends usually click! Good thing I can read and I just followed what the screen told me after the clicking the "e".

So yeah, it's a long journey to computer literacy and sometimes I feel embarrassed telling people about it. However, it's also good to take a pause and look back and see how far you've been. Makes you continue with the journey with a fresh wide-eyed anticipation of life's next treats. Who would have known that I have been a hardware support technician for Dell computers? And that the girl I love most would break my heart through Skype?

Yeah, you live and you learn. Tarzan will continue to swing his way amidst the highways and by-ways and skyscraper of life's sweet and bitter surprises.

Dénouement


Paint me white and let me put the hat on
Ink me with a big red smile
I need my colorful suit
I’ll dance with my big red shoes
The show is still on
The crowd still jeers in thrill

Did you feel my grief
As I made you cheer?
Did you just notice?
It was my weeping that made you tickle?

No you didn’t figure
Until I got tired
And the sweat and the tears
Washed-off the amusing lies

Who is in for the act?
Who are the fans?
Are you a friend?
Or you just pay for the fun?

When curtains are closed
When the lights are out
The clown runs
In the dead of the night

1 August 2011

Aninipot

I just came back from an escapist's walk and the house is as stripped as I am empty right now. The waves keep on coming and I have to sail through them... I laid on my bed rewinding the events that had happened to me these past months when I saw a dancing light on my ceiling. A firely. That little light. Flickering and faint. Just like my spirit.

Solitude is a friend and a foe. I am not sure if i have to embrace it but that's what I have right now, and maybe in the coming years. I only have myself. After all the betrayal, lies, broken promises and neglected responsibilities, here I am and I have to keep myself together. I could crumble anytime...

Restart


"The thing about life that I've learned is that you're going to get hurt. You're going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You're going to suffer some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you're alive again. Life just kind of restarts."

got it from here.

Soliloquy

I’m like a spinning top. each revolution per second is a meaningless spin. All my energy is spent and I have to keep up with the motions because I have no choice but to. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where i’m going. I wanna stop but I can’t… I don’t know how to… neither do I know when to.

You can’t choose your happiness. How do you shift to apples when you like oranges for as long as you can remember? You fool yourself enjoying the crunchy sweet pulp of a dozen of apples when your taste buds crave for just the succulent tangy taste of an orange.  Just one.  There are no substitutes. No, happiness is not a choice. You do know what makes you happy and you pursue it (desperately in most cases) because that’s all you want! May it be the all fleeting and shallow or the deeper higher kind, everyone chase his own happiness.

Common sense tells me to get this over with and move on. Man, if it’s easy to do I’m the first to jump in! But how do i get over? How do I move on? My heart beats for just one reason — for just one person. For her who left me broken and crushed… but my shattered pieces are stubborn and they refuse to falter. In coherent hurting voice they cry for just one name. Just one name…

There are moments I wish that reality isn’t real and this is just a bad dream. I could trade sleeping a million bad dreams just to wake up on the reality I am dreaming… oh if only I can stop dreaming…


4 April 2011

Tumbl'ing

I started a picto-blog in Tumblr (something that I have been wanting to do for a long time now) and I am so happy about it. Go visit and I'm sure you'll like it. Here's a sampler:

Thanks!