"Kind but not nice"

Probably one of the most fitting descriptions ever given to me. Jhoanna told me that once but I can no longer the particular instance. She knew that I meant well. She only hoped I said it in a more tender way.

I have no apologies being that. Like I always say, "I don't smother". I say what I need to say. Reacts when I need to. And most of the time, my facial expressions betray me. I am that transparent. My love is tough.

In several instances, people around tell me that that I'm harsh, particularly with words. I don't deny that, though this is particularly true only for people whom I have already established a relationship with. I won't scold strangers, for Pete's sake! Most of the people whom I had an "encounter" appreciated it in the end. Until lately when a person who needs to be corrected got some hard-hitting words from me. For one, I cannot tolerate lies and disobedience. Besides, I have been very diplomatic and tolerant before that. If it's too much, something has to be done.

People close to me know that I could easily burst but they are also aware that I forgive faster that I get angry. I got angry because they were hard-headed and they won't listen. They "remained stiff-necked after many rebukes"!

Correction hurts at the particular instance it's given but if taken positively it builds good character. Most of the things that happen in our lives are outcome of our reactions. Situation doesn't make or break a person, it reveals who he is. Goodness is telling a person that he is wrong because he indeed is.

Sad Clown

These days are a whirlwind. Circus' in town. The clown doesn't have a choice. He's in. Faking smiles. Starting laughter. But inside of him, some venom's creeping again. Antidote is at hand but refuses to take it. How soon will the show ends? Will it ever end?

The clown's juggling the balls. He wants to stop but he's at it for a while.

Say how's the weather, so I look out the window
To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain
That keeps falling
Smile on the outside that never comes in
A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream "let the show begin"

You break me open, turn on the light
Stumble inside with me, with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie?
Are you mesmerized?
Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat
I wore all this paint just for you

(Sad Clown by Jars of Clay)

Vampire

The clock says 1:57 AM. I'm still wide awake. Seems like everyone doesn't want to be my friend, yes, even sleep. Half of the pack of almond kisses I bought is through. I finished the odd movie Sweeney Todd (By golly, I didn't expect it to be like that. But I liked the movie. It's eccentric but in a good way.). I'm chatting with my blocmate from college who is working in graveyard for 5 hours now. No Air, the guy version (Boyce Avenue), is playing continuously on the background. I kinda feel like that... like I can't breath. I'm overwhelmed with a lot of stuff and I want a ceasefire.

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground, to flow to you
There's no gravity to hold me down, for real
...No air...

Broke and Not Happy

I came home this afternoon from work all too tired. I wasn't busy in the office. I know it's a different kind of tiredness...

I'm 26 and I'm broke. So broke. Right now, I only have 40 pesos in my wallet and some coins in my pocket. I have been working for more than a month without pay and without a job contract. I know this is not a rare case, especially if you are working in a government office and in a project-based job. But at this point in my life, I don't know if this should be happening to me. I am living on my own now. Self-sufficient. I have a sister who is doing her thesis, which costs more than my parents can afford. I have to share in her tuition fee. My mother is telling me to go back to the province. She said I'll surely get a job there. I don't know how to explain things to her. I just need a stable job. My boss told me that my appointment is being processed but it will be for three months only. By January, I'll be technically jobless. But I'll continue with the project. I just have to wait for the funding.

It breaks my heart to think that my aging parents still have to worry about financing my sister's schooling. It should be my turn this time. I can't even afford to visit them because primarily of financial constraint. I don't even have savings and my BPI account has just been cut-off because I have exhausted my funds.

This situation just depresses me... to the point of sulking in self-pity. Things are crazy lately. Issues in the training apartment, payables, problems with BS contacts, unresolved conflicts, spiritual dryness... I just don't know which one to deal first. I feel so low right now. I wanna burst. I wanna scream. If only it will ease the burden. But those things just don't work for me.

I'm in utter mess.

Wedding

This is the third time that I'm an emcee for a wedding. This is one thing that I love doing. I like celebrations and the sheer joy of being with people you hold dear and stirring up things for them.

The wedding was a blessing and as a friend puts it, one of the best weddings he has attended. Same goes for me. Why was it one of the bests? Let me count the ways...

• The couple were both good friends and former housemates of mine and their happiness were infectious.
• I got to see my Ate Ritchi again after four years. She was right when she said that it was just like yesterday. She fell asleep and she woke up with 3 lovely kids and a husband with a big, and I mean BIG heart. She was the same Ate Ritchi I met her in the cell group 9 years ago.
• Meg and Claire were stunning!
• I got to spend time with my Josh my "inaanak, Ate Ritchi's son. He's a no nonsense kid. Talks like a grown up. Also the twins, they are adorable.

• It was a pool wedding. It rained only before and after, but not during the wedding ceremony. A rainbow appeared as if the sky joins the couple in their celebration. It literally put a color in the celebration.
• The dance/surprise number was a great way to end the program. It was a crowd stealer and the guests were screaming. "Sige, ikembot..."
• Someone tripped off the pool during the ceremony but it was handled well. I didn't imagine that it can happen, though.
• I slept in the same room with the newlyweds. Haha!! We were all tired and I shared the big bed with Ate Ruby. She's on one end and I was on the other end.
  

Left me thinking... how about when I get married?

Just before my lunchbreak...



"i wasn't playing hard to get and my goal is not to grieve a brother's soul and make him worse than he already is. i'm sure you agree that we need to grow individually because clearly we have issues to sort out among ourselves."

Lab Rat

I have two on-going experiments this week. Both are about papaya. This is a not-so-familiar territory for me. I remember during my college days, how I despise lab works. And I got big hands, I'm so clumsy. This is no biggie though for my work-mates who are used to doing lab works and stuff. They just love the lab. I'm a noob and there's a voice in my head that tells me that I can commit a mistake anytime.

Yesterday, I accomplished three major things. I bought papaya in Divisoria, a place I hate because of the heavy traffic and the smell, for my experiment. Then I set them up, which took me about 5 hours -- hot water treatment, 1-MCP, packing, and physico-chemical evaluation. Then I have to lead the worship for the single prof fellowship at 7PM. I was literally in a spin. My knees were trembling at some point, I don't know if because I was tired or because I was hungry.

I'm not sure if I'm liking this lab thing. My boss is insistent that I learn all of these, on my own. Training, yeah. Indeed learning never stops.

Holiday Saturday

Nothing really interesting happened today. It's just a lazy Saturday for me even if a lot of people are having their own little reunions in the cemetery. One thing I like about All Saint's Day are the flowers. It's like Valentine's Day on a November... though the thought is kinda creepy.

I had two movies today. One is a chick-flick whose title is not worth mentioning and the other was City of Angels. I have watched the latter a few times already but I always forget the part where Seth said those lines... "I'd rather have one breath of her hair..."

It's been a while since I had my last frappucino. I had coffee (or blended coffee) with Macky today at the rowdiest coffee shop in Los Baños. Their coffee is good but the place is so noisy, not to mention the very limited space. Those bunch of kids playing cards and screaming and cursing are just detestable!

That's all for today. I still have to decide if I'm going shopping with Ate Donna tomorrow. I don't know if I have to buy a new suit for the wedding next Saturday. I'm dead broke. But I sure need a hair cut.